Northica - Internships at NNRT FM (Hell on Earth)

The Dark Battlefield, Graveland [now The River Dragon Has Come, Nevermore [was playing]

A production of
Ninth Symphony
Entertainment
and
Irrenhaus

web by shapercg

When we’re aching for coffee or our bedsores fail to wake us, the inmates (our interns) run the errands and mind the asylum. Sometimes the inmates are left alone a little too long and take over, usually in the morning when the previous night’s party weighs heavily on the wakeup jock.

We’re always looking for new talent, mostly because we never find talent. Call us at 667.1NRT (667.1678) and we’ll hook you up with an interview.

As a guide for prospective hires, we present a memorial of notable former interns, notable for what we loathe: members doomed forever to the intern fraternity of horror, or Internity. (Notable the way Jeffrey Dahmer was celebrated for cuisine.)

Intern Intern (1998)

Played the same pair of songs all night. Thought she was very clever. Worse, the songs weren’t on our playlist, but came from her private collection. Listeners wished they (songs and intern) had remained private.

Intern from Hell (1999)

On the last night of September Fires, got so “into the spirit” (she said) with candles that she scorched our studio’s interior and tore out a toilet trying to put out the flames with a “bucket” of, uh, water. (Snapped the porcelain’s base; she was a big girl.) Her ad hoc bucket brigade didn’t work. She didn’t the next day, either.

Good news was we were never off the air. But the In Flames jokes got nauseating about 15 minutes after they started.

Internuncio (2000)

In matters of faith, Catholics consider the Pope infallible. But the Pope doesn’t work here. Neither does Internuncio after a solid week of explaining (ranting) that our misguided worship of devilmusic excites and stimulates the flesh and flays the spirit. (We don’t feel flayed.) He apparently took the internship with the goal of converting NNRT to a decent music station, which means he lied and misrepresented himself during his interviews. WWJD?

More Intern Than Intern (2001)

We here at NNRT understand anger management. We understand you might be angry, so manage it. It’s not our problem that your parents don’t love you, your spouse left you, or the only job you can get is, well, here. Punching holes in our walls is not an option. More Intern Than Intern (MITI, ”mitty“) was a demolition team with his fists, left his picked scabs on the board, and squeezed his eyebrows onto his lower lip except when he dropped an f-bomb. We understand: the restraining order is still in effect, so MITI, stay away.

The Hardest Intern to Intern (2001)

Numbers weren’t his strong suit. If a pot of coffee took 7 scoops to make, he put in two. If we announced caller 10 would win a contest, he’d pick caller 3 or 17. Ask him to pull a list of CDs, he’d either be short two or have extras sliding onto the floor. Telling time was a challenge; mostly he arrived late and left early.

Naztee Intern (2001)

Yes, 2001 was a banner year for interns. Zeitgeist maybe. This fellow liked nothing better than meeting the ladies. He met them everywhere in our building. Let’s just say when you gross out Jax, you’ve hit an incredible low. The only words we could understand Jax say: that was my favorite chair! before he threw it in the dumpster. Eww.

In hindsight, the cracked toilet we replaced that Christmas was likely a victim of Naztee acrobatics.

Intern from Hell II (2002)

No smoking means no smoking, kids. Doesn’t mean sneaking a butt in the restroom. Bad things can happen, like lighting flammable gases, toilet paper, and your own greasy hair. As Intern from Hell II found out the hot way. Apparently a toilet bowl makes a great hairfire extinguisher; despite that effective discovery, a dripping IFH II still broke his fist punching porcelain to pieces. Score another toilet’s premature demise.

Our plumber thinks we have issues.

Interrobang (2003)

Her passion was Music. She told us so, every day. She told us in a way that said, “put a capital M on that word, Music.” But she didn’t know one song on our playlist. Even after four months. That’s okay, but don’t don’t don’t ask our listeners, Why in God’s name would you listen to that? Leads listeners to doubt our commitment to the music.

Sorry, Music.

She made the best coffee, though. Did this thing with cinnamon.

Intern Who Must Not Be Rehired (2005)

Lord Voldy's signature is all over this one. This bright fellow (named Tom, no tish) deleted all the interview files, backups, grandfather backups, offsite backups...we think he made pilgrimages to Jerusalem and Mecca just to find every NNRT backup in existence. He claims it was a mistake, he got confused, and we almost believe him, since he majored in Computer Science.